Seemingly plagued for life with an ailment known as “no drummer who can tour,” HORSE THE BAND are again on the lookout for someone to fill this slot in their lineup. With plans for touring through North America, the U.K., and possibly Europe and/or Japan in the near future, HORSE THE BAND offer a lot of opportunity to an individual willing to commit to the touring lifestyle.
The band asks that those interested meet the following requirements:
“0. Be amazing at drums, like, not just OK, or, you could fake the songs. Be fucking amazing with no doubt in your mind. If you lie to us about your ability we WILL find a suitable punishment for you in our travels about the country.
“1. Be able to tour, like, constantly, forever. Live in L.A. when you are not on tour. When you are on tour, don’t smoke cigarettes, and don’t be a FUCKING PUSSY, I don’t care about your day or your cellphone or if you couldn’t sleep last night. No practicing drums in the van either.
“2. FREAAAAKK OUTTT, hit harder than above-average, don’t be a fucking PUSSY.
“3. Be nice and energetic and fun. No serious Samanthas.
“4. Be very funny, where you are not the only person who thinks you are funny.
“5. Don’t be addicted to the Internet.
“6. No mutants or cretins.
“7. No low lifes with no friends, no myspace lurks.
“8. No fucking hotshots.
“9. No having a girlfriend SEE ALSO don’t be a FUCKING PUSSY.
“If you are a fuckup you are not allowed to ruin our happy unicorn meadow and we are not going to let you in. If you are a fun person who wants to have happy fun and feelings for the rest of your life then email us at firstname.lastname@example.org to try out.
“Also, the whole mean tone of this is a joke. We are all reallllllly nice people and we love you.”